Accepting the Unacceptable

How does one finally give in to a plan that is so far from the one you have been hoping and praying for?  At what point do you realize that the end is near and the battle is over?  I think that Tami and I both started preparing for the undesired outcome of cancer, when she was first diagnosed in February of 2009.  I liked her phrase, “cautiously optimistic”.  She used it quite frequently.  Now, you can always prepare for the worst, but hope for the best, and that is exactly what she/we did.  There was not a day that went by where HOPE wasn’t before us.  Watching Tami wrestle with the possibility of dying sooner than she had anticipated, was humbling to say the least.  There was not a day that went by where she was not reading scripture or journaling or writing letters to her kids or making a list of who gets what.  If my memory serves me correctly, she started doing these things at least 6 months before she passed away.  She wanted to make sure her kids had in writing how much they meant to her, and how each had blessed her life in different ways.  She wanted them to hear her say she loved them no matter what choices they made in life.  She wanted them to hear her say that their God, her God, will never leave them or forsake them.  She wanted them to have these words on paper so they would always have it to go back to.  I believe Tami started preparing before the rest of us. 

Living with her on a daily basis, I was able to see the progression of disease.  There were days I would come home and all seemed well.  She was up and around and eating and overall in good spirits.  Then there were days where she couldn’t get out of bed, had no energy, slept a lot and didn’t eat.  Towards the end, within the last two weeks, I grew more and more concerned as she was not eating enough.  She was not getting enough nutrition or protein to keep her body functioning.  We all knew the liver was compromised and it would only be a matter of time.  I remember her asking me one day, within the last two weeks, why she was so tired and weak.  And I in turn asked if she knew what was happening.  She knew that her body was shutting down on her.  She knew that her fight was coming to an end.  She knew that the day was coming where she would leave her beaten, battered, diseased body. 

As each day passed, it became more real to me that time was short.  I too needed to accept that my best friend was dying, and would be gone soon, and that God’s plan was not mine.  I chose to savor, take advantage of, create any kind of moment that time allowed us to have.  There was nothing left unsaid.  There were no regrets.  We both knew exactly what 12 years of friendship brought to the other.  We both knew that the memories made will be forever engraved on our hearts.  We both knew that we would see each other again.  But, how does one truly accept these things as truth and not just remind yourself that these are good things to remember?  You have to let go.  You have to trust that God’s plan is bigger than your.  You have to understand that only God knows when to end suffering.  You have to believe that the almighty God who created the universe and you, knows the number of hairs on our head, and the number of days we will breathe.  

More on Doctors...

Hospital doctors did not prove to be much better.  During one hospitalization, three different doctors could not even agree on what Tami had.  It was so frustrating to hear one say one thing and another come in and say the complete opposite.  We actually sent them back downstairs to talk to radiology and not come back until they all agreed on the same thing.  Each scenario had a different outcome and treatment, and again were at entirely different ends of the spectrum.

We met Oncologist number 4 when the 3^rd one went out on medical leave.  He was covering in Irvine, part time as he practiced out of Riverside.  Our first meeting with him was on a Saturday after Tami was discharged from the hospital with bowel colitis.  We loved everything he had to see and especially his personal, out-of-the-box approach to treatment.  By this time, we knew Tami was not typical.  She did not respond typically to chemo.  She did not have a typical kind of cancer.  Yet, everyone wanted to treat her as typical.  Someone needed to start thinking outside the box.  The things he offered made sense and his explanation of things made sense.  However, when the first lesion showed up on her liver, he down played it and said that he could not be sure it was cancer.  The following month another scan was done, and now there were 7, too many to treat, and then two months later, there were too many to count.  Again, she was told, nothing more could be done for her, except to continue systemic chemo treatments.  So far, every one put her in the hospital with side effects. 

At this point, Tami decided to go to Oasis of Hope.  It is a Christian based integrative cancer treatment center.  The original hospital is in Mexico, but they have an outpatient center in Irvine.  At our first appointment with the Integrative doctor, he listened intently to her for almost 2 hours.  Then, he asked to pray with and for her.  We were all amazed and shocked!!!  She had found a place where she would be loved, cared for, prayed for, and treated as a whole person, not just a cancer patient.  We met with the Oncologist from there to go over possible treatment options, and he suggested focus beam radiation for the biggest tumor by the rectum, and then possible ablation to the liver afterwards.  Tami then contacted Kaiser to meet with a different Oncologist, yes this is number 5, to discuss the recommendations made.  He agreed to refer to radiation oncology.  We met with the Radiation Oncologist to discuss course of treatment.  He suggested focused beam radiation, but to a wider area of the abdomen to try to reach more of the cancer.  So, we scheduled 10 days of radiation.  Back and forth every day from Ontario.  The good news was that the radiation alleviated her pain, but the bad news was that the radiation tapped her physically.  She was already having appetite and eating issues, and they just got worse.  It was not long after radiation that she passed away.