Life Does Go On

It has been several months since visiting this page and writing a new blog post.  Is this a sign that life goes on?  Should we feel guilty when life goes on and we no longer remember the anniversary date of our loved one's passing each month?  Should we feel guilty about other things we have started to do that bring us joy and happiness?  Should we choose to be "stuck" in our grief and loss instead?  Well, all I can say is that for me, I have found a way to live each day of my life knowing that she is with me in all I do, and that she would be proud, happy, thrilled that I was doing it.  Often throughout the day, there is something I want to tell her or something I want to share with her.  What is stopping me?  Yes, I might look funny talking to myself while driving my car or walking, but so do all those other people who are talking on cell phones or singing to the radio.  I can still share my day with her, and I know exactly what she would say back to me :-).  So I don't think we should feel guilty, especially if we have found a way to continue to live life with their spirit in what we do.  Does this mean we will never remember or be sad at times?  No!  There are plenty of days where I am sad and wish that she were physically here to do all of the things we dreamed about doing.  But, mouring may come for a night, but joy comes in the morning!  Each day is a new day, filled with wonderful choices and experiences.  Choosing to embrace those and live to the fullest, in my opinion honors the spirit of our loved one's who would want nothing less for us.  On that note, I may not be writing here as much as I am starting a new blog on my new business website.  Check it out at coaching4thejourney.weebly.com.  Blessings to you all and may strength and peace abound on your journey through loss and grief.

Hope, We Can't Live, Or Die, Without It

As I listened to the pastor speak about Hope last night at our Single's group, I couldn't help but reflect on how I learned about Hope.  My journey with Tami through illness, disappointment, suffering and ultimately death taught me my biggest lesson about hope.  I have never met anyone in my entire life who had as much hope, even in the worst of circumstances, as Tami did.  Her cancer battle verse became, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power at work within us... (Eph 3:20-21)". She hoped for healing...we all did, but instead God gave peace and strength for the journey.  She hoped for no pain, and in the end, she had none.  She hoped for the money to receive the alternative treatment she wanted, and the $10,000 needed showed up in our fundraising efforts.  She hoped to spend eternity with the One who loved her, sustained her, carried her, and on November 19, 2010 that hope was fulfilled.  She fully understood and believed that He was able to do immeasurably more than all she could ask or imagine, and being her caregiver and best friend, it was hard not to have that outlook on life rub off on me.  I am so thankful God gave me the opportunity to walk that journey and learn those lessons.  

Romans 15:13 says, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit".  I know without a doubt that it was God who filled her with His hope, His joy, His peace because she trusted in His promises.  She knew that He would not disappoint her.  The hope that she held onto was an eternal hope, which gave her strength for the day and comfort in knowing in the end she would be with her Father in heaven and suffer no more.

Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us".  Having watched Tami suffer in ways that we wouldn't wish upon even our worst enemy, I witnessed first hand how these words came to life.  Her suffering led to perseverance, and her perseverance to character, and her character to hope.  She never lost sight of hope in life, or in death.  I cannot imagine battling cancer, or any other terminal disease hopeless.  Because Tami chose hope, those of us around her, her support circle, her caregivers, her family and friends, chose hope with her.  I believe that without hope, the circumstances, disappointments, and challenges in our life, swallow us up.  It is all we see.  If we would just look beyond those things, like Tami did, and grab hold of hope....oh, how life would be different. 

If you are a caregiver, a fighter, a survivor, a family member, friend of someone who is battling cancer, or similar disease, no matter what the prognosis is, the best gift you can give them is HOPE.  The best thing you can do is keep that hope alive each day.  And for those of you who are not battling a terminal disease, but life has dealt you some pretty hard blows, trade the disappointment, anger, resentment, etc. for hope.

Moving Forward...Without Guilt

Sorry it has been a while since writing.  I have gone through some major life changes in the past couple of months.  I resigned from my 7-year career and moved from Southern Ca. to Northern Ca.  For me, it was a decision that needed to be made, but was done mainly on FAITH.  I am starting my own business and consulting now and need to recruit my own work.  But, what I am doing has always been a dream/passion of mine.  So many of us who have lost loved ones feel guilty about continuing to live our lives and experience all life has to offer, in the absence of our loved one.  We may tell ourselves that we could never make that decision, go to that store, vacation there...because our loved one isn't here to enjoy it with us.  Where does this sense of guilt come from?  I must ask the question, would our loved ones want to live this way?  I believe the answer is no.

My best friend Tami and I both believed that life was meant to be lived to the fullest.  We encouraged each other to make our dreams come true.  She believed in me and the things I wanted to accomplish in life.  Should I now feel guilty since she is no longer here?  I think that we honor those loved ones and their belief in us when we follow our hearts, passion, and dreams.  I believe that their spirit, the essence of who they were, goes with us on that journey.  I wonder, quite often, what she would say to me today if she was here.  Knowing her the way I did, she would be celebrating all of my accomplishments with me and helping me to creatively navigate the rest of the journey.

Our loved ones don't want us to miss out, give up, shut down, because they are no longer here.  They want us to embrace all that life has to offer.  For some of us that is success, a new relationship, a new marriage, taking that dream vacation, etc.  What are you not doing because you feel "guilty"?  Examine those feelings and discover why you are feeling that way.  Decide that life is meant to be lived and that your loved one would want nothing less for you.  Follow your heart, your passion and watch your dreams come true!  You will surprised on the other end just how much it honors those we have lost.

Who Am I, Now?

So many of us wonder who we are after losing a loved one.  We feel we have lost our identity, especially those of us who lived with and cared for someone who was ill.  Tami was my best friend, and as best friends, we did everything together.  We shared everything from grocery shopping to neighborhood walks.  After she passed away these things, and quite frankly, everything just wasn’t the same.  I would ask myself, all of the time, how am I supposed to go on?  How do I live without her?  How do I do the things we loved to together, alone?  In the last 14 months I have struggled to find these answers.  When I thought about redefining myself, I only thought of it in terms of redefining myself without my best friend.  What I learned was that in redefining myself, it didn’t have to be without her.  The best of her and our friendship goes with me.  It guides me, comforts me, surprises me, etc. 

I have learned there is nothing wrong with doing the things I used to do with Tami, with a different friend.  I have learned that sharing the wonderful friendship I shared with Tami, is helpful and encouraging to others.  I have learned how to celebrate the life of my best friend in all I do.  I have learned that it is OK to go on living a full life without any guilt, as that is what Tami would have wanted for me.  She would not have wanted me to stop enjoying life.  I have decided to take the best of her and us into my future, whatever that may look like.

So, who am I?  Who are you?  Well, we are the same people we always have been who have suffered a great loss.  We are in pain.  We are trying to navigate life alone.  We are angry at times.  We want connection, but we afraid to have it again, for fear we will lose it.  We want to share our daily moments with the one we lost.  We are grieving the future and the life that was planned.  We are trying to get through the devastation one day at a time.  On the other side of our grief and our pain, we will find ourselves again.  What we find may even surprise us.  I never thought I would be the director of 5K walk/run that raised money for colon cancer awareness and screening.  I don’t even like to run J!  But, my point is we are often changed people on the other side.  

A Letter to My Best Friend

Dear Tami,

It is December 31, 2011 and we are on the brink of a new year.  The last 13 months without you have not only flown by but have brought with them joys, sorrows, challenges, hard decisions, eye opening experiences, open doors, closed doors, and immense growth and healing.  I still remember, like yesterday, our last week together.  I will always cherish the conversations shared, the laughter, the prayers, the tears, and the memories.  The day we said goodbye, my heart broke.  There was still so much life we wanted to live, vacations we wanted to take, and dreams we wanted to realize.  Strolling Paris at night, sipping coffee during the day, photographing everything in sight.  Cruising Alaska, seeing the Orcas and some of the most beautiful scenery around.  Taking that trip to Canada and doing all the things you didn't get to do the last time you were there.  Turning your passion for photography into your own business, TamiS Photography.  Our list was so much longer, but these were at the top.  The list of things we did get to do together is so much longer, and I am grateful for all of those memories.

What you gave me in the 12 years we were friends is priceless.  You came into my life when I was broken and searching.  You accepted me as I was, yet cared enough to show me that I didn't have to stay broken.  You took my hand and led me down the path to healing and wholeness.  You were my cheerleader. You were my encourager.  You were my guide.  Little did we know that we would find in each other a kinship, a sisterhood, a bond that could not easily be broken.  We balanced each other out.  You taught me how to accept everyone as they are, to love unconditionally, to forgive always, to practice selflessness, and to have faith, even as small as a mustard seed.  As I watched you battle for your life, I was humbled and moved by your faith, belief, gratefulness, determination, acceptance, grace, forgiveness, and hope.  Again, priceless lessons about life and how to live it.

I want you to know that I have been blessed with phenomenal friends, family and grief support group.  I would not be where I am today without them.  Family includes your family as well.  I am finally making some much needed changes, kinda like you did when you realized certain things in life just weren't worth the emotional cost.  You have inspired me to make my dreams a reality and I am on my way to doing so.  You would love this next chapter of my life, and I would have loved to share it with you.  Each day has its ups and downs and there are so many things that happen that I wish I could tell you about.  For instance, tonight I went to see Midnight in Paris with Cheryl.  The whole time, all I could think about was the trip we wanted to take and how we would have loved strolling the streets, viewing the Eiffel Tower, sipping coffee, etc.  But more than that, the message of the movie was so "you".  The movie exemplified the difference between living a mediocre life one feels trapped in, and living out your dreams and what you are passionate about.  It was so good to see you live out your dreams and passion for what time you had left.  You will always be in my heart as the footprints left there are permanent.  Cheers to a new year full of triumphs, victories, change, realization of dreams, continued to growth and healing, and the continued sharing of your journey and legacy.  Happy 2012! 

The Holidays...dread them or celebrate them?

Tami passed November 19, 2010, the week before Thanksgiving.  We postponed the service until after Thanksgiving.  Her family and I continued with plans as normal, for both Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It was evident that someone was missing every time we got together.  We all did our best to keep our composure and get through.  When Christmas came, her kids and I decided to do Christmas morning the same.  So the kids came over to what was their mother's house, exchanged stockings, had breakfast...I gave them their gifts and then they went to other family member's homes throughout the day.  I kept their mom's tradition of getting them funny gifts for their stockings and getting the boys their boxers.  


As I look back on last year now, I think we were all still in shock.  Shock has a way of protecting us.  I found myself on "auto-pilot" quite a bit.  WebMD defines shock as a state of profound mental and physical depression consequent to severe physical injury or to emotional disturbance.  Shock kept me from falling apart last year.  But, so did my family and friends who were always one step ahead of me, ready to be and give whatever I needed.  Leaning on them made a huge difference.  Where would we be without those who truly care about us?   


But, this year...it is different.  A year has gone by without her here.  Should we continue to dread those family get togethers or find a way to celebrate them, keeping her memory alive?  Last year, we all started a new tradition of going to dinner, Fashion Island to see the tree, and Roger's Gardens (all favorites of Tami's), and this year we did it again.  I am going to continue to choose to find a way to celebrate the holidays and other special occasions and keep her memory alive.  If there is one thing I know about Tami, she would want each of us to go on living, not dreading.  She would want us to make new memories and start new traditions.  She would want us to fulfill our hopes and dreams...and in doing so, we keep her memory alive.  So this holiday season, if you are missing a loved one and are dreading the holidays, ask yourself what would that loved one truly want for you, and take a step closer to celebrating together as family/friends.  

The Caregiver - A Bridge Over Troubled Water

I love music.  I love the meaning certain songs convey.  One of my favorite songs has always been "Bridge Over Troubled Water".  My favorite version of the song belongs to Il Divo.  Their voices are like heaven to me.  As I listened to this version of the song while Tami was ill, it seriously brought to light a whole new meaning for me.

When you're weary, feeling small; when tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.
I'm on  your side when times get rough, and friends just can't be found.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.

When you're down and out, when you're on the street.
When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you.
I'll take your part, when darkness comes, and pain is all around.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl, sail on by.
Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine, if you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind.

Feeling weary and small.  Tears.  Rough times.  Friends can't be found.  Feeling down and out.  Evening falling hard.  Darkness and pain.  Sailing troubled water was a constant feeling that Tami had.  She felt as though she could never catch a break.  Nothing but bad news, bad side effects, difficult relationships, feeling alone, feeling defeated, facing the reality that her life may be over sooner than she wanted/expected.  How does one face this alone?

I was honored to be her best friend, her roommate and thus her caregiver.  The caregiver helps dry the tears, lays themselves down, is the constant friend and companion.  The caregiver comforts and shares in the pain, anguish and sorrow, and takes the hard part as well.  The caregiver helps to make dreams come true.  The caregiver sails right behind, and eases their mind.  I can say that I was able to do all of this and much more for her.  We cried together many times.  We prayed together.  We researched together.  We confronted together.  We celebrated together.  We laughed together.  She always found something to be hopeful about, even in her final days.  Her journey, her fight, her faith, her strength, her resilience, her patients, her mercy, her life will forever be an inspiration to me.

For those of you who are currently caregiving, yes it is exhausting, yes it is hard and often painful.  But you are the BRIDGE over the troubled water.  You are the ROCK that provides stability and consistency.  You are the SHIP sailing behind encouraging, yet ready to pick them up when they fall.  You are the BLESSING put in the life of one suffering for a reason.  Just as much for you as for them.  May your journey be as life changing and rewarding as mine.  Even though the outcome was not what I wanted or hoped for, that chapter was a part of my life for a reason.  Find a support group or a team of people who can support you as the caregiver.  Don't forget to take care of you too.