Life Does Go On

It has been several months since visiting this page and writing a new blog post.  Is this a sign that life goes on?  Should we feel guilty when life goes on and we no longer remember the anniversary date of our loved one's passing each month?  Should we feel guilty about other things we have started to do that bring us joy and happiness?  Should we choose to be "stuck" in our grief and loss instead?  Well, all I can say is that for me, I have found a way to live each day of my life knowing that she is with me in all I do, and that she would be proud, happy, thrilled that I was doing it.  Often throughout the day, there is something I want to tell her or something I want to share with her.  What is stopping me?  Yes, I might look funny talking to myself while driving my car or walking, but so do all those other people who are talking on cell phones or singing to the radio.  I can still share my day with her, and I know exactly what she would say back to me :-).  So I don't think we should feel guilty, especially if we have found a way to continue to live life with their spirit in what we do.  Does this mean we will never remember or be sad at times?  No!  There are plenty of days where I am sad and wish that she were physically here to do all of the things we dreamed about doing.  But, mouring may come for a night, but joy comes in the morning!  Each day is a new day, filled with wonderful choices and experiences.  Choosing to embrace those and live to the fullest, in my opinion honors the spirit of our loved one's who would want nothing less for us.  On that note, I may not be writing here as much as I am starting a new blog on my new business website.  Check it out at coaching4thejourney.weebly.com.  Blessings to you all and may strength and peace abound on your journey through loss and grief.

Hope, We Can't Live, Or Die, Without It

As I listened to the pastor speak about Hope last night at our Single's group, I couldn't help but reflect on how I learned about Hope.  My journey with Tami through illness, disappointment, suffering and ultimately death taught me my biggest lesson about hope.  I have never met anyone in my entire life who had as much hope, even in the worst of circumstances, as Tami did.  Her cancer battle verse became, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power at work within us... (Eph 3:20-21)". She hoped for healing...we all did, but instead God gave peace and strength for the journey.  She hoped for no pain, and in the end, she had none.  She hoped for the money to receive the alternative treatment she wanted, and the $10,000 needed showed up in our fundraising efforts.  She hoped to spend eternity with the One who loved her, sustained her, carried her, and on November 19, 2010 that hope was fulfilled.  She fully understood and believed that He was able to do immeasurably more than all she could ask or imagine, and being her caregiver and best friend, it was hard not to have that outlook on life rub off on me.  I am so thankful God gave me the opportunity to walk that journey and learn those lessons.  

Romans 15:13 says, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit".  I know without a doubt that it was God who filled her with His hope, His joy, His peace because she trusted in His promises.  She knew that He would not disappoint her.  The hope that she held onto was an eternal hope, which gave her strength for the day and comfort in knowing in the end she would be with her Father in heaven and suffer no more.

Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us".  Having watched Tami suffer in ways that we wouldn't wish upon even our worst enemy, I witnessed first hand how these words came to life.  Her suffering led to perseverance, and her perseverance to character, and her character to hope.  She never lost sight of hope in life, or in death.  I cannot imagine battling cancer, or any other terminal disease hopeless.  Because Tami chose hope, those of us around her, her support circle, her caregivers, her family and friends, chose hope with her.  I believe that without hope, the circumstances, disappointments, and challenges in our life, swallow us up.  It is all we see.  If we would just look beyond those things, like Tami did, and grab hold of hope....oh, how life would be different. 

If you are a caregiver, a fighter, a survivor, a family member, friend of someone who is battling cancer, or similar disease, no matter what the prognosis is, the best gift you can give them is HOPE.  The best thing you can do is keep that hope alive each day.  And for those of you who are not battling a terminal disease, but life has dealt you some pretty hard blows, trade the disappointment, anger, resentment, etc. for hope.

Moving Forward...Without Guilt

Sorry it has been a while since writing.  I have gone through some major life changes in the past couple of months.  I resigned from my 7-year career and moved from Southern Ca. to Northern Ca.  For me, it was a decision that needed to be made, but was done mainly on FAITH.  I am starting my own business and consulting now and need to recruit my own work.  But, what I am doing has always been a dream/passion of mine.  So many of us who have lost loved ones feel guilty about continuing to live our lives and experience all life has to offer, in the absence of our loved one.  We may tell ourselves that we could never make that decision, go to that store, vacation there...because our loved one isn't here to enjoy it with us.  Where does this sense of guilt come from?  I must ask the question, would our loved ones want to live this way?  I believe the answer is no.

My best friend Tami and I both believed that life was meant to be lived to the fullest.  We encouraged each other to make our dreams come true.  She believed in me and the things I wanted to accomplish in life.  Should I now feel guilty since she is no longer here?  I think that we honor those loved ones and their belief in us when we follow our hearts, passion, and dreams.  I believe that their spirit, the essence of who they were, goes with us on that journey.  I wonder, quite often, what she would say to me today if she was here.  Knowing her the way I did, she would be celebrating all of my accomplishments with me and helping me to creatively navigate the rest of the journey.

Our loved ones don't want us to miss out, give up, shut down, because they are no longer here.  They want us to embrace all that life has to offer.  For some of us that is success, a new relationship, a new marriage, taking that dream vacation, etc.  What are you not doing because you feel "guilty"?  Examine those feelings and discover why you are feeling that way.  Decide that life is meant to be lived and that your loved one would want nothing less for you.  Follow your heart, your passion and watch your dreams come true!  You will surprised on the other end just how much it honors those we have lost.

Who Am I, Now?

So many of us wonder who we are after losing a loved one.  We feel we have lost our identity, especially those of us who lived with and cared for someone who was ill.  Tami was my best friend, and as best friends, we did everything together.  We shared everything from grocery shopping to neighborhood walks.  After she passed away these things, and quite frankly, everything just wasn’t the same.  I would ask myself, all of the time, how am I supposed to go on?  How do I live without her?  How do I do the things we loved to together, alone?  In the last 14 months I have struggled to find these answers.  When I thought about redefining myself, I only thought of it in terms of redefining myself without my best friend.  What I learned was that in redefining myself, it didn’t have to be without her.  The best of her and our friendship goes with me.  It guides me, comforts me, surprises me, etc. 

I have learned there is nothing wrong with doing the things I used to do with Tami, with a different friend.  I have learned that sharing the wonderful friendship I shared with Tami, is helpful and encouraging to others.  I have learned how to celebrate the life of my best friend in all I do.  I have learned that it is OK to go on living a full life without any guilt, as that is what Tami would have wanted for me.  She would not have wanted me to stop enjoying life.  I have decided to take the best of her and us into my future, whatever that may look like.

So, who am I?  Who are you?  Well, we are the same people we always have been who have suffered a great loss.  We are in pain.  We are trying to navigate life alone.  We are angry at times.  We want connection, but we afraid to have it again, for fear we will lose it.  We want to share our daily moments with the one we lost.  We are grieving the future and the life that was planned.  We are trying to get through the devastation one day at a time.  On the other side of our grief and our pain, we will find ourselves again.  What we find may even surprise us.  I never thought I would be the director of 5K walk/run that raised money for colon cancer awareness and screening.  I don’t even like to run J!  But, my point is we are often changed people on the other side.