So many of us wonder who we are after losing a loved one. We feel we have lost our identity, especially those of us who lived with and cared for someone who was ill. Tami was my best friend, and as best friends, we did everything together. We shared everything from grocery shopping to neighborhood walks. After she passed away these things, and quite frankly, everything just wasn’t the same. I would ask myself, all of the time, how am I supposed to go on? How do I live without her? How do I do the things we loved to together, alone? In the last 14 months I have struggled to find these answers. When I thought about redefining myself, I only thought of it in terms of redefining myself without my best friend. What I learned was that in redefining myself, it didn’t have to be without her. The best of her and our friendship goes with me. It guides me, comforts me, surprises me, etc.
I have learned there is nothing wrong with doing the things I used to do with Tami, with a different friend. I have learned that sharing the wonderful friendship I shared with Tami, is helpful and encouraging to others. I have learned how to celebrate the life of my best friend in all I do. I have learned that it is OK to go on living a full life without any guilt, as that is what Tami would have wanted for me. She would not have wanted me to stop enjoying life. I have decided to take the best of her and us into my future, whatever that may look like.
So, who am I? Who are you? Well, we are the same people we always have been who have suffered a great loss. We are in pain. We are trying to navigate life alone. We are angry at times. We want connection, but we afraid to have it again, for fear we will lose it. We want to share our daily moments with the one we lost. We are grieving the future and the life that was planned. We are trying to get through the devastation one day at a time. On the other side of our grief and our pain, we will find ourselves again. What we find may even surprise us. I never thought I would be the director of 5K walk/run that raised money for colon cancer awareness and screening. I don’t even like to run J! But, my point is we are often changed people on the other side.
You have become so wise in your journey through grief, Janna. I grieved heavily for my best friend when I was just 33 years old and so was she. I think about her everyday, and now especially, I wonder what she would look like now, what would she like to do with her time? I honor her on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death every year, I am probably the only one who does, she was my best friend, and we never forget them or stop loving them. You are the kind of friend that God places in the lives of those who need us the most, there will be more.
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